care? leave a note

Ichabod!

1999-09-30 23:51:29

ah, this is so much more relaxing than trying to write in my french journal.

ive decided to put this in the members directory. good. it will remind me to be impersonal. but can i really be at a time like this?

i realized something today. in the chem lab, instead of individual lab stations doing their own data, we took the easy way out and collectively gathered data. this disturbed me because i know they arent always the most careful with their techniques or precise in their measurements. my distaste made me remember what i had read in one of my moms grubbing self help books about personality types, especially my own. MISERY, HOW I REGRET READING ANY OF THAT BOOK. it reminded me so much of how i used to be and how i still am inside. and it gave me absolutley no hope. there was nothing positive in that book about my temperement. it explained to me exactly why i had such a terrible time in grade school, exactly why i have trouble doing my homework, exactly why i usually dump my boyfriends, and exactly why the rest of the world makes me sick a good deal of the time.

now for a while, i was feeling pretty good. i was being things my personality "isnt" i was friendly, playful, warm. now i feel like i was just hiding myself and what that book told me is how i SHOULD BE. ive struggled with this my whole life. why i had to be so different, why i couldnt be understood . . . and what i could do to change.

i told my mom what i read and she said "dont you feel better now to know that about your grade school years?"