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Ichabod!

2000-04-03 16:04:07

boy, do i feel like an idiot.

college countdown: penn state, but not main campus; accepted at allegheny, accepted at notre dame, wait listed for haverford, u of penn, and cornell, and rejected at princeton.

out of seven fucking colleges, i only got accepted to 2.

i feel deluded. i feel like ive only been fooling myself and making myself feel smart when im really not. i feel like ive been tricked by everyone who was so supportive of me getting into princeton. i feel like this has been the real test of how good i am, and im only as good as notre dame.

do you see that? the two colleges i got accepted to are in the middle of nowhere. now i feel like an ass for not applying to boston college.

they keep telling me that what will be, will be. and that you get accepted where god wants you to go. and thats supposed to be comforting. but is that why i suffered all that anxiety trying to figure out why i just wasnt motivated to work on my applications? was i fated to do badly?

everyone treated me like ivy league material. but im not. a whole lot of good five damn ap courses did me now.

and if i do take a place on the waiting list, i could be waiting until july to find out if i get accepted. fuck it. ive been waiting since november. who wants to keep waiting for yet another 3 or 4 months. but if it gives me a chance to go somewhere other than allegheny or nd. . . .

other things going on. dio band. coming back to school is such a let down after dio band. i had killer test in gov't that i had forgotten about and i didnt even know what half the questions on the test were talking about. ive got essays due for gov't on the tenth and an english paper due on the 11th. and i dont feel like working at all. im listening to twilight to starlight from mellon collie and its just loaded with memories from camp. all i want to do is escape to camp where no one even thinks about college because everyone is just white trash, plain and simple.

if i go to allegheny ill be really close to camp. i could see david and dan and buddy and ryan and danielle and . . . ::closes her eyes and sighs deeply. her hair is greasy from sleeping in this morning and her cheeks are tear stained. all of the sparkles she painted on in religion class have since rubbed off. her cerulean blue nail polish is chipped and her black long sleeved shirt is wrinkled and old. she is the picture of disarray on a monday afternoon::

come around ruby, i can never sleep alone.