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Ichabod!

29 December 2004 20:32

currently scared witless, thanks to Oprah magazine. I was just idly flipping through, absorbing random fashion tidbits, when i came across an article about controlling and abusive men, and red flags women should watch out for in a relationship.

meanwhile, im dealing with my classically passive aggressive father, who just called yesterday afternoon to say hes back from long island. yes, yes, he went to long island on the two days he told me we would go to the museum of the american indian in washington dc, and no, he didnt tell me about this beforehand. after twenty three years of dealing with the passive aggressive man, i know this was his way of getting back at me for not giving in to him on december twentythird, when he harrassed me from my own driveway for five hours.

argh.

so after reading this article, i asked my mom what warning signs there were before my parents got married. and there were tons. like taking a job in harrisburg, without asking my mom how she felt about moving away from philadelphia, and for the reason of "getting her away from her family."

and i know that in the past, i have made way too many excuses for boyfriends behaviors that were bad for me. including verbally abusive boyfriends. or guys who just didnt care any more, but kept me hanging on anyway until they found an easier time to dump me. i'm worried that im susceptible to the same types of behaviors, to thinking that i can handle that type of man, that if i can just keep him happy enough and keep him from getting upset, then everything will be ok.

its still just avoiding conflict, the strategy of just keeping him happy/satisfied/content enough, give him enough of whatever he wants at whatever cost to me that real problems dont surface. and im really scared of doing that, of falling into any of the same kind of patterns that would lead to the kind of life my mom had. leading to a really unhappy marriage, divorce, and now not even being on friendly terms with her ex.

i dont want to make choices that will force me to continue to deal with a man the way that i have to deal with my dad. we act like children, im not going to play with you unless you play my way.

how can i ever be sure that i wont make a choice like that?