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Ichabod!

18 July 2004 21:52

i am sick of no decision being a simple one because of my parents history.

i am sick of being treated like an instrument of revenge between them.

it is a shame that their previous behavior causes them to be so guarded and concerned for themselves in any decision involving myself and both of them.

its so hard. theyre so different. and with so little contact, neither understands the other at all any more, if they ever did while they were married.

their parenting styles are so very different, and leaves me completly confused and two faced. i never know what to do in any situation involving both of them, and i act completely differently around each of them in accordance with their own preferences.

what am i? what have i become? i dont think this is new anymore. i think im realizing something ive always known. i was never as strong and independent as i thought i was. maybe with regard to peers, but never with my family. instead ive been allowing myself to be pushed this way and that. resigned myself to it because i needed their help, and i still do. im not free of them yet, not until i can be completely indepedent of them both.

ah. living on my own.

my mother takes charge for me. wants things to go so perfectly for me, that she doesnt give me a chance to make mistakes for myself. she does everything for me before i get a chance to do anything myself. and it hasnt been for the best, because now i have no idea whats going on, im completley clueless. my dad on the other hand, has been acting as though im completely independent for years. like i never need his help for anything. acting as a friend who does a favor for me when i ask him to and when its convenient for him, not showing any kind of caring initiative.

so one tries to do everything for me, the other wants to do nothing for me.

::sighs::

i just want... what do i want? i want to feel loved. i want to know that i am trusted to do things for myself, but know that someone is also looking out for me. i want to feel loved by knowing that i am both trusted and cared for.

puzzles and puzzles and puzzles and puzzles

i am just very grateful that i have sisters who love me very much. i dont know what id do without their support.