care? leave a note

Ichabod!

15 July 2004 11:56

grrr, psychology.

my therapist hypothesizes that the rason i'm so paralyzed in thought and mistrustful of my own judgements is becuase i don't trust my parents judgements in life.

and it kinda makes sense. the process of learning to trust your own judgements by watching and learning which of your parents to trust in which situations, what their areas of expertise are, and where your own judgements differ from each of theirs. and by extension, learning to trust your own judgements.

but right now, i dont really trust any of my own judgements. because my parents are so completely polarized. and through interacting with them, ive learned to see both/all sides of an argument with equal validity. and have no judgement of my own.

hey, if anything, i bet that kind of mentality would make me a good writer. i can write as different characters or argue different points of view without implicitly sounding judgemental of one or the other.

but in the rest of life, it makes things really difficult. forming perceptions of people and myself. choosing a course of action. and more often, just choosing inaction.

perhaps a better idea would be to do this: in anything situation, try to think of the most extreme options, then choose something in the middle. that seems to be what i do most of the time anyway, when dealing with my parents.

but as for my perception of myself, i still dont really like it. i feel like an amorphous nothing, floating on the wind and lost in the current. taffy pulled this way and that, taking no stand of my own. and thats not how i thought of myself for the past 21 years, this is only in the last six months. what to do? who am i? where do i go?