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 memories of what never was
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20 May 2004 16:56 this last semester definitely broke me. i'm broken, and there's nothing left to pick up the pieces. but i have two short months to do it somehow. but right now i dont want to. right now i want to curl up somewhere warm, like a hole in the ground, and let everyone forget about me. i dont want to put pressure on myself this summer, but i need some intensive self repair. ive been crying this morning, and the only reason i can really pin point for it is pmd. which i dont want to admit, cause im on fifteen mg lex now. this isnt sposed to happen again. when they raised my dosage, i felt hopeless and wondering if it would need to be raised again makes me feel even more hopeless. i feel so weak, because now that ive broken, i feel like theres something wrong with me, and with the pmd, i feel damaged, disabled, like i cant stand up to stress without these damn little white pills that dont make me feel any better anyway. what the hell has happened to me? wheres the me i used to be? wheres all the joy i used to feel? i dont see any of it anymore. im broken, in many pieces, its not just a wound that gets a scab and heals, i need a full body cast to repair myself now. but i dont know how to make that cast. |
