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Ichabod!

12 May 2004 13:24

ugh. definitely not fully functional this afternoon. i'm physically tired STILL from the pub crawl, four hours of drunken sleep, and then a long exhausting day at cedar point followed by a get together at sorin's club bart. even though that was all yesterday and the day before, i havent fully recovered yet because i slept so badly last night. lots of bad uncomfortable dreams.

the second of the bad dreams was really just a true to life anxiety dream taken right out of my academic situation in febraury. i had an impossible looking physics assignment to do and everyone else had either disappeared or was unwilling to help me with it.

the first of the bad dreams reflects more fully my own state of mind lately. i was in a city, london-ish, and the streets were rather crowded with people just standing around much like we were milling in the hallway at sorin last night. there was a guy who was drinking and getting into my personal space in a rather obnoxious manner. i told him sternly to please stop. he continued. i asked him more assertively to stop and step away from me. he continued. i asked him once more to stop or i would take action against him. i felt pleased with myself for being so assertive and getting my old unshakeable bitchiness back. he continued being invasively obnoxious to me, so i think i hit him or something, but then he got violent too, so i started looking for a safe place where someone might help me, because no one on the street seemed to want to help, not even my friends when i asked them to help me (i forget which friends were with me on the street). i got to a building marked society of physics students and used a code to get in, much like the locked door to the modern physics lab here. so with a locked door behind me, i started to feel safe. then i walked through to another part of the building and realized there was a patio attached, and he had followed me, and one of my friends studying on the patio (wally, in fact) had let him in. so he was still there, and still continuing to harass me. i told him he needs to leave me alone, but he didnt respond. i felt completely powerless and completely betrayed by the people i thought would help me and protect me.

so i feel powerless. and not in the way last year at this time, when i realized that i couldnt control what other people thought about me like i thought i could. this isnt powerless in a sense of affecting other people, but powerless in a sense of myself. recently i find myself deferring to other people at the expense of my own thoughts, feelings, ideas, and sanity. if someone else suggests ive done something wrong, i take it completely to heart and feel extreme guilt over it. i feel like everything ive done is completely and utterly wrong and other people are so much better than i am, their decisions are more correct than mine, their ideas are by default better than mine.

i feel like i cant be my old assertive self anymore, because i dont have anything left to assert.