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Ichabod!

26 April 2004 01:09

ok, so i fucked up. again.

im gonna get up again. and one of these times, im gonna get my ass in gear again.

at some point since winter break, i let my happiness into someone elses control. and i remember most clearly feeling that loss over break, too. break was not at all lived on my terms, i spent a lot of time taking care of other people that break. and that trend unfortunately continued through the semester. everything depended on my car, or my homework getting done, or professors not being mad at me anymore. and i somehow started believing that happiness would rain down on me from these sources, if only i could make the rain gods happy somehow.

but thats not true. i need to take it for myself.

but take is not the right word, too aggressive.

i need to cultivate it for myself. because after this semester, i have little more than a tender, fragile, green shoot of joy to care for and make grow.

and its not something i can throw away for someone or something else. i cant just beat myself up like i have anymore. i need to remember what i need to cultivate, what i need to take care of. if i neglect that tender green shoot, it wont grow, like the acorns i planted in the hellmann lab.

its spring again. i will grow again.