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Ichabod!

25 April 2004 10:36

for the past three days, ive spent every shred of free time in bed. unfortunately, the limit for how long i can stay in bed at one time seems to be about twelve hours. so im up again.

my current state of mind prolly began at easter when i was reading an acceptable time and ring of endless light. then, for the first time when readig madeleine l'engle books, i identified more with zarchary "the bad guy" than with the protagonist polly or vicky. zachary is the villian in that he is perfectly human and cannot overcome that humanity. he is preoccupied by his own selfishness and mortality, at the expense of those around him.

the fact that i found myself identifying with him troubled me a bit, but i was back at school and i had to focus on getting my work done. i put it out of my mind.

now lately ive been reading merton's thoughts on the east, particularly the section on zen as prepartion for my final poetry project. and there they talk about not seeing the buddha, or making the buddha, but knowing the buddha nature in yourself, realizing your original face. and on reflection, and knowing the horrible ways ive acted recently, i see no buddha nature in myself. to say that i did, would be false pride. instead i see the resentment i hold for other people, the rage i direct at other people, the ways i manipulate other people, and it makes me sick. these are the very things that make the world such a horrible place, and they're all inside me.

so i spend so much time alone in my room, almost as a way to insulate the world from the bad things im likely to say and do? i dunno. maybe i should then apologize for inflicting myself upon you here.

wheres that stupid lex and what is it doing to me? im still depressed, but now its a different kind of depression. instead of feeling pain, i just have this cold realization of evil in myself. i feel no joy, and i feel no pain, just a sickness at seeing myself for what i am.