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Ichabod!

02 April 2004 01:18

reading about depression and thinking about traits and triggers for it. some are almost blissfully simple biological reasons with mental effects. for example, in some cases, a calcium deficiency is a trait, triggered by pms that can result in premenstrual depression. and that can be easily remedied with calcium supplements. that seems pretty simple to me, because then depression is a symptom of something wrong, something deficient, something that needs to be remedied.

im not so clear on what some other vulnerability traits are. are they genetic? and its not clear from the triggers either, cause it appears that it can be any kind of major life change. and those who show premenstrual dysphoria can also be prone to other major depressive episodes.

hmmm. sounds familiar.

i first remember feeling depressed not long after my parents separated. and then almost continually until i was seventeen. i guess my next major life change was college, and i saw that getting away from my parents was one of the best possible things i could do. so were these two events like opposite triggers for whatever my vulnerability trait might be?

and then would it now be the case that this trait stays mostly submerged except during the time of the month when my mind is most fragile, and then it gets triggered to varying degrees depending on the amount of stress and pressure im feeling? does that make sense? a valid hypothesis?

and now im taking medication to prevent the further expression of this vulnerability trait? and im taking control of something ive previously been unable to control? so why does it seem different than the case of simply ameliorating a calcium deficiency?

well, at first, swallowing a good dose of catholic guilt from my catholic school education, it seemed like it was my fault if things were going so wrong in my life. but the more i read about this, and the most i write about this, i begin to understand more. that its really not much more different than fixing a calcium deficit. it only seemed that way because it almost blurs lines between mind and body, and what we can control with our minds, and what we can control with our bodies. i know from my yoga practice that theyre much more closely connected than i used to think they were. and thats how i used to be able to ignore my body to do things i needed my mind for, like all night calculus or physics sessions in sophomore year. but now i feel a connection so much more keenly that i just cant do that.

in a good yoga practice, i follow my body. i dont think about which poses i need to do, or necessarily have a goal in mind before i start, i just go where my body tells me to go. and my mind follows. my body leads me to a series of postures to balance out any discords in my body, and my mind also finds harmony. do any of us really let our bodies lead all the places they could if we listened? like meditative states? i sometimes think of meditation as more mind than body, but isnt it still both together, another aspect of yoga? yes!

so. lexapro. yes. no different than taking vitamins to keep myself well. and nothing to do with a flaw in myself?