care? leave a note

Ichabod!

03 November 2003 22:01

shoot. so many thoughts on my drive home i forgot to pick up milk and eggs like i meant to. oh well. after this, then. i really want to get this down before it leaves me.

so i started my drive with the thought, to adapt a metaphor from zodda, that if i am indeed on a path towards enlightenment, this year is the equivalent of driving through ohio. unlike past years when i was never sure which way to go, or where the road was going to turn next, it appears that i can see straight ahead for months and months. all i need to do is go straight and try not to fall asleep along the way.

something in me rejects that. and i think it comes from my eagerness to believe jesse when he tells me its not me, its notre dame. i think to some extent hes right, but i cant use that as my catch all excuse for my lack of fulfillment. its too simple.

then i thought again about what i wrote about this summer and my search for the mythical folk song people. should i really be searching, or shouldnt i just learn to appreciate the people who are around me? even though thats the harder option?

so taking those two thoughts on to my lack of fulfillment and deep companionship this year. of course a lot of that is due to the distance between myself and some of my closest friends, who are spread so far across the country. but i know that part of that comes from my lack of involvement, my own failure to give of myself. im not bringing everything i can to the table when i just say "ugh, but its notre dame" and look to the horizon.

so yes, i still hate notre dame and the cultural vacuum. but i also know that i cant take the easy way out and blame everything on that. i need to put some effort into this too.

"would you prefer the easy way? no? well ok then, don't cry"

which still leaves me with the mystery of how exactly to do that. maybe ill think about that while i go out to get milk and eggs.