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Ichabod!

02 November 2003 18:07

ok. for anyone wondering why the hell i was crying all day yesterday and into today, heres an excerpt from my journal.

ive always disliked notre dame. and i hated coming back in june. and i got pretty despondent when everyone came back for band camp. but i just told myself that i kept busy enough i wouldnt have time to think about how unhappy i am here. and for a little while, it worked. then i noticed how much i was starting to hate band. then i noticed how i really wasnt all that busy, and i kept thinking anyway. then i noticed how empty i felt (ive been whining about it in here all semester), and how superficial my life had become now that everything seemed so peachy keen. and i knew that constantly dying my hair is a sign of discontent. and seeing all those signs, i knew a fall was coming. and coming soon. i had just come back from a wonderful break in pennsylvania. i had a not too busy work week, but the notre dame crap was coming on thick what with band and the spirit banner. four hours of band on tuesday was too much. i was more than glad to skip on wednesday. there was no way i was gonna make it through the pep rally on friday so i went home and slept a very very long time. i woke up saturday morning feeling no better, the last thing i wanted to do was more band.

even though my general malaise is directed at ND, im taking it out on band in particular cause thats where im subjected to more ND crap than anywhere else in my life. the spirit banner. the pep rally. the football game. this is where ND forges its identity, but in my identity, ND is something i reject. ND and i just dont fit together, and i dont know how im going to get through these long dark winter months. i just feel like theres so little for me here. im ready for something else.