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Ichabod!

15 October 2003 22:48

oh gorgeous gorgeous fall days. the whole world is all my favorite colors. orange and red and yellow and gold.

and prolly once a day at least i get a warm glow in the pit of my stomach, how good it is to be alive! how wonderful i feel!

but then i miss despair. i do. strange, isnt it?

do i miss it because its actually easier to live under the bell jar, wrapped up in myself, and only seeing how i feel like all the world is on the other side of a dirty windshield? after all, it is/was/will be (?) cozy inside the bell jar, nothing else hurts cause im too preoccupied with destroying myself. i dont need to worry about other people, cause im not even capable of it inside the bell jar. all i need to worry about is my own destruction and thats not really too hard to achieve, isnt it?

or am i just yearning for the sense of enlightenment and renewal i feel after emerging from the bell jar? im not feeling challenged enough, everything is coming along too easily. well, everything immediate. grad school and post graduation are still mostly off the radar. some people in the hp lounge today were talking about what theyre going to do with their lives, whether it will be interesting, or theyll just end up being uppermiddleclass replicas of their parents. i realized that if they had asked me, my goal is slightly different, my plans a little more obscure. i cant say for sure that i want to be a doctor and save people, or make a grand scientific discovery, or raise a family, or be an organic farmer. i think im just looking for enlightenment. and if i do any of those wonderful things along the way, hey, cool.

so hmph. i think my answer for this strange yearning for despair is mostly centered on the second answer, that im not feeling challenged, and i want that feeling of satisfaction and renewal after pulling through something difficult. yeah, i definitely feel a litte bit of the first answer, but moreso the second.

i should prolly just keep my self out of trouble for now in my idleness.