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Ichabod!

2002-11-25 10:24 p.m.

while working in lafortune about 6 or so this morning, i was struck with the fear that im failing all my classes and they wont let me go to london and ill be kept here another year. why is that thought so repulsive to me, of staying here another year? possibly because if that were to come true, i wouldnt be able to participate in band since that is a huge factor in my not getting my work done. but i dont know if its just the time and the stress or if im really that slow and stupid. i sure feel like it, i feel like im years behind my classmates.

im a horrible student. and garg lets me know with that horrible pity smile as he hands me back my modern physics exam, bearing the lowest grade in the class, im sure.

i have to do research for my senior thesis, but i dont want to do it if it means staying here over the summer. i dont want to stay here with no one else around, stuck out here in the wide open midwest...summer is when i love the forest best and i NEED to be nestled deep in the ridges and valleys of pennsylvania.

and people call me a radical environmentalist and wonder why im so adamant about preservation and conservation. wilderness keeps us sane as a species, im sure of it. how could we possibly live if we forget the land we live off of? how could we possibly harm it irreversibly?

weve got snow, well, not much of it on the ground now. but a good amount last night, and all the silly happy freshmen were out on northquad having a snowball fight. i brought out my wool coat and fleecy scarf and hat. the winter smells good.

for the most part though, ive been feeling a lot better. waking up in the morning. marathon work today, grading from 2 to 5 am, math from 5 to 7 or so, sleep from 8 to 10 am, class, lunch and modern physics together, class again, more modern physics until four pm, and then finally another nap until almost six. dinner with my trumpet girls...its so sad to see all the trumpets scattered throughout the dining hall, eating with other people. come back, my family! and ive been taking it easy since then. but you see, my point was that i worked long and hard today. i need to study for e&m, but us trumpet girls decided todays stress calls for starbucks at midnight. and my trusty timothy mcsweeney quote, The trick to avoiding depression is figuring out which states of mind require vodka and which require coffee. If you can do that, you are saved.

so yeah, im feeling better. im glad, and im grateful. i can never take good times like this for granted. twice this semester ive gotten behind on my work, sick for two weeks, depressed for two weeks. but maybe after break, i can be on top of things again. hey, ive got lots of time in the car to read about semiconductors, and superconductivity. these are things i can understand.