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Ichabod!

2002-08-14 12:38 p.m.

christa planted a horrible little seed of doubt in my mind. i want a light of some kind. give me a light of some kind. why dont you just transfer somewhere, she suggested? and if im really that unhappy about notre dame, shouldnt i just transfer? but where? and how, since ive already finished two years, and i dont think id leave nd until after ive gone to london? its a scary idea. what if i dont, and i regret it? what if i do, and there are carrots wherever i go, and i end up feeling like even more of a misfit? junior year at trinity was like this too. except i couldnt think about transferring then, cause trinity wasnt really a choice like nd supposedly was. but i hated it, was so ready to leave. im trying to remember if i even liked any of my classes that year. i loved band...that year i played trumpet in marching band, and tenor sax for jazz band, and bass clarinet for orchestra pit, and got second chair first part clarinet for diocesan band. hmmm, classes...physics was a joke. ap american history, morality and social justice, trig/precalc, french...i liked french class. english with mcgovern. thats it, i think. nope, nothing. and senior year the only class i cared about was ap chem. band was the only thing i had going for me. and that continues to be the case, it seems. and by going for me, i mean kept me going. i even said that last semester, that band was the only thing that kept me going. what keeps me going during hte summer? oh man, everything. ichabod! my internship was awesome. the forest. jesse. places to fucking go, like color me mine, cornerstone, open mics with christopher, the bennies, tmbg. awesome people to meet at awesome places like the whyre and the AT headquarters. hollywood on high in carlisle. artsfest and musicfest in harrisburg. big boyd. not being confined to an area of one square mile. having my van this summer was awesome. ugh, the coffee is starting to make me jittery. i have no idea how long that stuff was sitting in there.

"The trick to avoiding depression is figuring out which states of mind require vodka and which require coffee. If you can do that, you are saved."

i need a plan, a plan a plan. a new plan. coffee is good for plans? yesyesyesyesyes. i cant allow myself the same plan as four years ago. im a different person since whenever whenever ((my boredom has outshone the sun)) and yeah. and yeah yeah. i know. or at least i will know. cause its my decision. ::smiles, at last:: i know that its up to me, and only me how this semester goes. i can run and hide, or i can make my own way. the original anti-carrot plan. i will not be sick. i will only be myself.

heheh. lauras story about the frogs...the unexpected HAPPENS.