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Ichabod!

2002-08-07 10:46 p.m.

how is it possible at all that music and cutting can have the same effect on me, bring the same kind of relief? painful music too, discordant music. bells for her, or the first half of the second minute of icicle. resolution of tensions is better than no tension ever. cant stop whats coming cant stop what is on its way.

so much anxiety. trying to uproot myself again. the roots might not be deep, but theyre extensive. i dont think id be going back to school if it wasnt for band (obvious exaggeration). theres nothing we cannot ever fix. cant stop whats coming cant stop what is on its way.

will i ever feel comfortable with my family? for other people, it seems like family is something you can go back to and they know everything, have been there through everything. support. right? i cant imagine ever feeling that kind of connection, connection of history i guess, with my family. im even feeling kind of abandoned. and im continually amazed at how i shoved all these feelings aside until i was seventeen. so i can deal with them now. great. fuck you too. forget what middle children have to deal with, with more than ten years on either side of me to my nearest family member, i feel like the left out middle generation.

wrapped in the circle time parade of changes. time time time. change change change change. dont we all sometime wish we could know how to live before we do it? not have to learn stuff the hard way and just get it right the first time? not waste precious years making mistakes? not being afraid that youll end up living a mistake, cause you dont have a clue what youre doing? is it even possible that youre whole life could be a mistake? your mistake, of course? that everythings not just going to be ok, but that one of these days your lucks gonna run out and youll be up the creek without a paddle? maybe because you took chances, and maybe because you didnt take any chances at all? is there a mazemaster i can call up for hints?

i try to pretend it all doesnt matter, and i try so hard to pretend im not involved in any of it. yeah, i can get up and go and leave it all behind, no problem. no problem at all, except that you cant outrun your problems.

what the hell are you looking at?