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Ichabod!

2002-04-20 1:45 a.m.

ok....right before i wrote this i password locked my diary and then right after i wrote it,i decided i didnt want to hide behind a password lock and unlocked it. so i came back to edit and add this note. ive sent an email to my mother, too. this is arvianna, uncensored.

ah my god. i feel like ive let out an enormous breath ive been holding for a very long time ever since i got the gold membership and found out my mom was reading this. hopefully, the password lock will only be temporary. i guess ill send an email to my mom or something telling her that i dont like knowing shes reading my diary and that i can tell exactly when shes reading it.

so im sick, im miserable, and i dont mean sick like a cold. i mean, like fuck me im a sick insane girl. im already half dead, not even alive. im back to listening to korn. im gonna put marilyn manson on when this cd is done. and feeling even more like shit for it because after all these years i can listen to the lyrics and hear how false they really are. but the music itself still envelopes me like a comfy old security blanket, which is exactly what it is right now. ugly music for an ugly girl. and i dont just mean ugly face, ugly hair, ugly body. i mean ugly heart, ugly mind, ugly soul. a failure at being a real person. a sicko who hates herself and wants to destroy herself and will stop at nothing until shes managed to make her own life as close to hell as possible. suicide isnt an option, because death could be better than this and relief is not a possibility from the self torture.

why does no one else ever seem to be as miserable as me? why is there no one else to ever share this with and understand? who the fuck would ever understand something like cutting and self mutilation? hamish, but everything that comes out of his mouth is bullshit and hed never take me seriously. yeah, so im back to cutting. for real, i guess. i wrote about it in my paper journal and now i guess its back in my list of acceptable coping strategies for stress and emotion. but i know i shouldnt. i dont quite understand why other people tell me i shouldnt do it, or why my parents get upset when they find out ive done it. or why jesse would just want to believe that its a part of my past, and not something i really deal with. why should they care if i destroy myself? does god even care that i want to destroy myself? no one fucking cares. which is also why i do it. cause and symptom.

which also makes me kind of upset that i had to password my diary to write this, cause now no one at all can read it....i dont even have the obscure hope that someone...somowhere...reads and understands.

so i havent been writing about my current situation with danielle in arvianna cause i know she reads it sometimes, but i have been writing about it in my paper journal and in emails to jesse. but shes going out with paul and well...heres what she wrote in her diary that shes been keeping since march and i just found toinght..

elizabeth and i are not speaking right now. i tried to talk to her about it wednesday night. she says that she "feels betrayed" by me and paul because we're spending so much time together. i think that that is absolute bullshit. whenever we do try to hang out with her, she either just responds quite negatively or ignores us or withdraws into one of her bitchy elizabeth moods. she says she feels thirdwheeled. i think shes doing it to herself. afterall, she is the ONLY person that we can't hang out with. everyone else is cool... even beaker!!! so, i'm pissed. and i'm just kinda ignoring her until she grows up and accepts that fact that i am going out with paul, and we're not dating him as a room. until then, fuck it.

she also talked about my hypersensitivity in another entry. is that true? am i hypersensitive? is that so wrong? one of her bitchy elizabeth moods. in her mind, all i am is a bitch. of course i feel betrayed! i had two friends and now i have two less! of course i feel third wheeled, THATS EXACTLY WHATS FUCKING HAPPENED! i just dont want to be around them, i even avoid going to the dining hall at my regular time because thats when they eat together. when she talked to me about it and asked if there was anything she could do, i tried to be as undestanding about it as possible, and i knew i couldnt possibly ask her to spend less time with paul and more with me. ((i just got out my swiss army knife and started playing with the blades...this cant be a good sign. am i really thinking about this? am i really this sick?)) so im the only one they cant hang out with now? so are my feelings really that wrong? am i wrong for having them? DOES THAT MAKE WHAT IM GOING THROUGH ANY LESS REAL, EVEN IF I AM DOING IT TO MYSELF? talking to becki about this today, i know that there is nothign danielle can do about it, its just something ive got to get over myself. but does that make my feelings any less real? ((i know that part of why im thinking about this cutting is because i want some attention. i want to force someone to care))

i think our friendship has been all wrong from the beginning. shes just so nonconfrontational, like last semester when she would just leave the room anytime i came back from band practice, leaving me to wonder what the hell i had done, and why i was so unbearable and never talking to me about it until this semester, when i cant do anything about it. and then with all her boys, and hating to see them get toyed around with like that. and now all of a sudden im just sposed to be happy for her because shes in love with paul and im out two friends?

no im not doing a good job at all of justifying my feelings. not even to myself anymore. so i hate myself for all of this. ((marilyn manson is in now, oh yeah)) i hate the hater.

and of course i think part of why im resenting her so much, and i sort of mentioned this in an email to jesse, but not really, is that im really jealous. shes happy and im miserable. shes got a boyfriend and im missing jesse like crazy. she doesnt manage her time at all and still gets her work done, and im struggling with everything i have to do. (she said that last one herself) but still doesnt justify my being a bitch. so the only conclusion is that im a miserable monster, and i hate myself for it. fuck me, i dont deserve anything good. ever.

she wore shiseido red and we drank tea by her side.