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Ichabod!

2002-03-06 11:58 p.m.

so yesterday i absolutely shattered. crying and crying over nothing at all, really. and just like sylvia plath writes, the bell jar descends and nothing in the world seems bigger than myself and my faults and how much i hate myself. i even physicall feel like i extend near infinitely in all directions when i break down like i did yesterday. which leads me to make strange inferences, like if i can see nothing but myself when i get like that maybe im just running from myself and my problems when i feel "normal" but that doesnt make any sense. it makes more sense to say its like the descent of the bell jar and the rest of the world keeps on turning outside but your stuck with yourself on the inside until the bell jar lifts again and lets you go free. why should i try to interpret my life like poetry, theres no narrative to reality except the ones our minds impose on it. we live forwards and understand backwards.

im feeling lots better today, i was even surprised that i had very little trouble getting up in the morning. but im still feeling socially inept. god, its such an effort sometimes to engage in a simple conversation. maybe its just this week. maybe i used up all my good conversation quota last weekend talking to elise and jesse. concentrate, elizabeth. cocus and foncentration.

i wouldnt let myself write while i was down yesterday because part of what upset me was that i have to rewrite the paper that i already rewrote once for my lit class. and i was really proud of that paper too, i thought it was really good. i thought meissner would have liked it anyway, but apparently ziarek didnt. i have to talk to him about it tomorrow and im a little scared to hear what he wants me to do with it. and i was just telling myself yesterday that i dont even deserve to use words, there are so many people who deserve to use them more than i do.

so i guess i have to work to get back to a condition where i can feel like a fully functional part of society again, a caring and compassionate and hopefully communicative human being. what happened to everything i felt after the ani concert? how did i get out of that? i hate to say it, but i think it might even be hormonal. ive noticed a few times now ive had emotional crises right before i get my period. bah.

Premenstrual Dysphoria is a more significant problem that impacts a woman�s ability to function socially and occupationally. Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) typically manifests a week before menses and symptoms stop a few days following the onset of the menstrual period. The disorder requires that the patient experience 5 of the following symptoms prior to menses for a period of 1 year. These symptoms should not be present to any significant degree during other time of the month. Women who have premenstrual dysphoria do have an increased likelihood of developing major depressive disorder and postpartum disorders. Symptoms of Premenstrual Dysphoria include:

Depressed mood, Anxiety or tension, Labile mood, Irritability (most common presenting complaint), Decreased interest or pleasure in activities, Concentration difficulties, Lack of energy, Change in appetite, overeating or food cravings, Increase or decrease in sleep, Feeling overwhelmed, Physical symptoms of bloating, headache, joint or muscle pain, breast tenderness

ill have to think of this a little more. right now im being persuaded to get quarter dogs.