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Ichabod!

2002-02-06 11:55 p.m.

well, at least now i can say i know exactly when the semester's frustration and apathy officially begin. exactly four weeks after the beginning of the semester. exactly today.

today didnt even start off that great. after classes, i came back and told myself that i was just going to take a shower and start the whole day again, and start it off right this time. motivated and everything.

"have you heard about london yet?" "no" "some people heard already, today"

fuck, where was i.

yeah. so i get to the chem phys lib to find danielle and kevin and hamish...and she says she forgot to tell me. which im sure is completely legitimate, i mean we do live with each other and its easy to forget what one has and hasnt already mentioned to ones room mate...but still, it made me feel really unimportant. then i sat down to work and got a headache, not immobilizing, but making it hard to concentrate. and i should have seen it coming, i thought about taking ibuprofen before i left the room but thought i didnt need it.

then i went to dinner with kevin...this was prolly the only fabulous part about today. hes so awesome, and hes someone that really inspires me. he sounds like he knows where hes going, and when he doesnt..he realizes the situation hes in and does something to change it. like after two years or so of studying in the college of engineering he took a year off to work in a homeless shelter and travel, and came back to be a sociology major. plus, we talked for a long time about his summer job as a river guide in colorado, and how he lives in the bed of a pickup truck, just the bed..no cab or wheels or anything and kayaks with his friends on the river after theyre done guiding rafts for the day. how envious am i.

then i came back to pe to tutor/study mechanics and the self doubt just started its downward spiral. i didnt get anywhere on it, not one iota. and i think i realized that at least a part of my cutting has only been redirected to my habit of biting my lips....a few mornings the past couple weeks i wake up looking like a vampire with dark dark dried blood on my lips, i guess im even biting my lips at night or something. still, theyre not all scabbed up like they were in december. but tonight i started picking at my face and hands and lips and hair (and really kinda hurting myself too, i have a bandaid on my left index finger now) and i just knew i had to start redirecting my stress somehow...so i went for a smoke break with spam and ate oatmeal cookies..then came back to the room and scrubbed our sink spotless.

god, that is just so satisfying. a whole evening of self doubt and a day of uselessness but god damn't, i have a clean sink. fuck.

im going to stretch and hopefully have a peaceful nights sleep. so i can wear myself out tomorrow, driving myself to get my modern and mech. hws done. maybe ill have another thursday evening inspiration flash like i did last week. please god.

another way ive changed a lot in the past few years. when i felt rejected this afternoon that danielle didnt tell me about the hw session, it was like a self worth mini crisis...like the kind that used to last for days for me. but now i can actually think rationally about them. i thought myself through it...and eventually over it. not completely, obviously, since ive had so much self doubt tonight, but i did. i did i did i did.