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Ichabod!

2001-07-14 12:08 a.m.

im amazed at how i overstimulate myself so much, for so long. tonight it all just culminated. we were sitting around on michaels couch, watching tv, comedy channel even, which, if anything, should have been relaxing and enjoyable ((took me a while to get the word meaning "able to be enjoyed" as "enjoyable")) nobody was really paying attention to the tv as far as i could tell, and when someone did ask people to be quite hassell would say something completely pointless just to keep the noise going. that kid is getting on my nerves more than ever. to the point of extreme distaste. i just felt like if i wanted to say something or get anyones attention in the situation, i would never be able to compete with everything else in the room. all i really wanted to do was sit and relax quietly (and enjoyably, with comedy central) with my friends!

and i realized that i havent done anything to simply sit down and relax in ages. last night i was going to, i was going to sit and watch a sitcom with my mom, but she kept changing the channels until i got up and left. i work seven days a week now. ive already described the competition for attention i feel when im out at night with my friends. and reading, while always enjoyable, is no longer relaxing since ive felt the pressure to finish the four harry potter books and now all the reading and preparation i have to do for the summer reading club. even the time i spend with jesse isnt all that relaxing, cause i feel like i have to make every minute count since we dont see each other very often.

my dreams arent very relaxing either. last night i had a dream that felt like a repeating dream, but i cant say for certain that ive had a similar dream before. at least in the dream i felt like id been in that situation before. at the end, my marching band was in a competition but i ended up missing the performance cause i hadnt packed up any of my stuff to leave after the show. and i didnt have my trumpet when i was out on the field. and just lots of things to be anxious about even within my dream.

so im feeling very overstimulated, and this is sposed to be summer, god damn't? how did i do it in school? i guess its that part of me that always want something to do, always wants to feel purposeful. heh, purposeful. thats very funny coming out right after reading vonnegut's The Sirens of Titan. and i think that ability to let yourself be overstimulated for long periods of time is rather necessary at a very competitive college. i know i considered myself one of the more laidback students. not as laid back as becki or amanda or alan, though. and the way i saw it, i could me more laid back cause i just wasnt as concerned about the details as some other people were. i saw things from a little larger perspective, a little bigger picture. so it makes me wonder, the people who are really really laid back about absolutely everything, are they seeing the biggest picture, or no picture at all?

i need to take some time for me. go shopping and buy stuff just for me, stuff that i dont even necessarily need. watch some tv just for the entertainment value. read something gratuitously trashy, so i can look down on the characters from my high station and say "ha!" do something that doenst make me think for once! i was trying to come up with a movie to watch, but i just dont like all the brainlessly funny films, i like stuff that makes me think. ahhh, to stop thinking for a little bit! god damn't, another vonnegut reference, this time to the evolutionary problem of big brains in Galapagos. oh well, only three more vonnegut books to read for now.