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Ichabod!

2001-04-29 11:43 a.m.

i cant even begin to type. that was just an effort there. i dont even know where to begin. i feel like i have to hide parts of myself in order for other people to be able to handle me and like me. otherwise im just too much insanity. too much chaos. not to mention worthless.

so dan dumped me for tara. ok. danielle used to tell me she couldnt stand erin and karl and carrie, and know she goes out with them, and comes back to tell me what a good time they had and how i should have gone with them but none of them even told me they were going anywhere. i cant even trust that little gossip danielle with anything now, because she knew i was upset when i heard that carrie was going with BT to sorins syr, so she goes right over to carrie and tells her entire room. i get to hear it from becki later, and danielle didnt even know the real reason i was upset.

how could she? i dont say anything because i think that everything i have to say is too insane and worthless to say at all.

then she has the gall to go to steve syr pre party, and ask if i want to go too. go and see dan and tara and bt and carrie? im sure dan and bt were counting on me totally not being there. and im so not over dan, i couldnt bear to see him with tara. and carrie and bt are so wrong for each other, that would just be painful too.

im starting to think one of the worst things i did was introduce erin to karl, and thus introduce both her and carrie to sorin.

and while all of this little soap opera may seem so trivial, the cumulative effect is that i feel worthless and insane and unloved.

this weekend was supposed to be a pleasant end to my hell week. but my sleeping schedule just got so screwed up after two all nighters and the hp dance.

the hp dance. i had fun there. we all went out to dennys afterward. i remembered again why i dont like carrieann. too loud. grates on my nerves. i realized that i know a lot of the hp guys, but im not very close to any of the girls. could just be cause im in male dominated physics, or it could be because all the girls are naturally competitive with each other. girls are rotten like that.

i think not wearing uniforms is starting to get to me. im realizing how much comparing im doing with all the clothes everyone else is wearing, and how not good i look in comparison. it could just be the atmosphere here....i think in real life outside the bubble its not so bad cause theres all kinds of people there, but in here theyre all just well dressed white people.

alan maginn just redeemed himself by an email. lucky boy.