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Ichabod!

2001-03-31 10:41 p.m.

there are lots of words and phrases i like to use when referring to myself. crazy, weird, wacko, nuts, psycho, insane, intense, maybe a little too much for any one person to handle, and perhaps even in need of therapy.

but mentally ill? i dont like that term. not at all. but now those posters up in the bathroom about obtaining help for mental illness apply to me. im calling the counseling center on monday.

do you have feelings of worthlessness? do you want to harm yourself or others?

last year, i wrote an arvianna entry when i was having some anxiety about coming to college. and i was afraid that i would be the weirdo who just stayed in her room all the time and moped and was depressed. and i tried to convince myself that no, thats not me. im full of life and vitality!

i guess im feeling like a little too intensely. cause it just hurts, and when it hurts, i wanna do something about it. like cutting. i havent this year, but ive wanted to. so what am i gonna do, call the counseling center and say "hi! how are you today? im a self mutilator, sign me up!"

i also remember writing an arvianna entry about how liberating it was that no one here knows that i ever cut, and therefore doesnt associate cutting with me immediately. but now its a burden that no one knows, cause i cant talk to anyone, and the only one who does know refuses to talk to me. ((ive also deleted him from my buddy list for now so im not tempted to check up on what hes doing all the time))

rory and garrett showed up at my door. rory was drunk. i lost my train of thought.

anyway. calling the counseling center is what ive decided to do as a result of the freshman retreat. instead of having fun and meeting new people, and walking away with a list of new IM SNs, and feeling like ive bonded with members of my class, i just feel more alienated. in a small group of ten, i was the only one who doesnt drink. i just didnt fit in at all. they were horrified when i mentioned goth. i realized again just how off the wall i really am compared to the general populus that notre dame attracts. and i hated it. compounded with the ordeal with dan being an asshole, i was just miserable. i couldnt tolerate noise, all my social anxieties came flooding back, and i sat in dark corners and cried. when i started imagining what it would be like to cut, since i couldnt actually do it, i knew i was really sick.

for the first time in my life, i felt like god was distant. i was crying out to him and he wasnt answering me. i wanted to know how much further i could go before i hit the bottom, and i just kept feeling worse and worse. slowly, something came around until during the shared prayer session, i came to the realization that i had to help myself. dan wasnt there to lean on. and this self mutilation problem is too big for me on my own, and i need to find help. then i finally listened to the tune that had been stuck in the back of my mind since the day before....

yahweh, i know you are near, standing always at my side. you guard me from the foe, and you lead me in ways everlasting.

the songs for the final mass were really good too....do not be afraid, i am with you....etc, etc.

chatting with too many people on IM....all from home. not from school, like we talked about on retreat. blah blah. enough.