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Ichabod!

2001-03-14 05:12:25

Subj: (no subject)

Date: 3/13/01 4:06:56 AM US Eastern Standard Time

From: Ninnoch

To: EJM ankh

i hate you ross. look what youve done to me. youve scarred me and im sitting here like a scared child, just waiting to be screamed at and told that shes worthless. i feel like im scrambling to keep the IM together and happy between me and dan. i cant tell anything of what hes thinking or feeling, so im reading all this anger into it, and disappointment in me, and repulsion of me, because of my insecurities. and i dont want to whine to him about my low self esteem, cause then i feel like a burden to him, and i really will be a waste of time if he tries to invest time and energy into a basketcase like me. cause im damaged goods, right from the start. im no angel. i dont deserve someone like dan. i dont deserve anyone decent, cause im just too fucked up for them to deal with. im sick, im a self mutilator. no no no no no, if i start thinking thats a reason to break it off it will be and i dont want that. i want to be well. i want to be loved. but im a crazy idiot.

i can hardly believe i just wrote all of that, i thought i was past that.

(later) i am past that. and what i need to tell him is that i cant let stuff that happend three years ago affect what i do now. and i need to say im sorry for letting my own self esteem issues get in our way. becuase theyre my problems, not his.

and he has his own insecurities anyway. thats why he makes fun of everyone. still, it would be nice if he might apologize for it. ::trails off::