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Ichabod!

2001-03-13 03:56:52

ughhhhhhhhh

i spent most of my time at my dads today. ugh. its amazing how much more comfortable and at home i feel at my moms than at my dads. even though i hate the suburbs, and my moms pretentious decorating tastes, and the pink room, and the bad music, and everything else about it, its still my home. my refuge, the place where i grew up no matter how terrible that growing up was. and no matter how much i envy my stepmothers house for the beautiful posters, the nice furniture, the gorgeous mountain scenery, the wildlife, the huge collection of jazz and classical music, the much better choice of cable tv, and the parties they let me throw, i still hate going there.

it gets more personal too. whenever i go down there, both me and my mom get really bitchy. cause we both know that you cant depend on my dad for anything (he didnt tell me he was going to costa rica until the day before, apparently some of my sisters had known since before christmas) and hes done so many stupid selfish backhanded manipulative deals that i just get bitter when i go down there. and so i get bitter when i see him do things that i recognize in myself, and i almost hate myself for it too. ill recognize a joke ive learned from him, or some smartass clever comeback, and despise it even though ive used it myself and even attributed it to my dad with pride! its so confusing. so frustrating.

cause i can tell he loves me. he "sacrificed" (and almost made a show of how painful it was)((and tries to make it seem like hes so poor, but still just took a vacation in costa rica)) so that i could try to back up my hard drive today, and all of the law drama shows on tv just drive home the point of how a parent loves a child so much hell go to court to fight for her. im really starting to wonder, if i was ever in that situation, god forbid, that i was trying to arrange joint custody or something, what would i do? i should hope that i would do everything i possibly could to keep it out of the courts. becuase no matter how much you love a child and want to be able to spend time with her, you have no idea what its like to be that child in court! i hated it, going to court was the hardest thing i ever ever ever did, and i would hate to put my own child through that ever. i would do everything i could to come to an agreement outside of court, i dont care if i have to sign it in blood to make it as binding as i possibly could.

and god forbid i should ever get myself into a position where i have children by a man i cant even trust enough to make a committment, let alone make an agreement about children without having to use law. when i think about it, it seems absurb. my mom had children with a man that now, she doesnt even trust to fix a computer. and obviously, they couldnt trust each other enough when i was 13 to make a decision without having to have a third party of lawyers make it legally binding. not that it helped, we were still always arguing about it. yet, she trusted him enough when she was only 21 have a child with him.

yes, obviously, my bitterness that i feel when i visit my dads is rooted in the entire divorce ordeal.

am i going to carry all of this crap with me for the rest of my life? yuck! i feel like damaged goods.

damaged goods is definitely what i feel like. and is, i think, part of the reason why it took me by surprise when dan started calling me an angel. to be angel is hard, you have to be good and stuff..you have to feel good about yourself too. you cant be an angel if you feel like damaged goods, and you feel like youre stained, and you feel like youre just too bad. so in high school it was easy to play up the bad girl angle, and magnify my faults, and lay them out for every one to gawk at. like how i never cared who saw my scars...ok, scabs at the time, or what people thought about them. and some were afraid. and some pitied. but even if you accept your faults, how can you be an angel? what if theyre just too big? could i still be the sacrificial virgin in a pure white robe at the end of the world?

why did i never care who saw my scabs? why do i care now who sees my scars? dan is the only one at notre dame who knows about them...why? what am i afraid of? mostly of trying to take the time to explain why i did it, and what happened, and stuff like that. too much background to get into. at least in a small high school, most everyone knew that my parents were divorced and i was generally screwed up. but do i really care if people at notre dame think im generally screwed up. yeah, i do. why? im just not sure yet.

it might have something to do with the fact that i know the bandies from t-high will always love me, and im not always sure more normal people will. even though dan and the kairos experience have showed me that they can, i still find it hard to believe. i still think that once people see my scars and know what ive done, theyll see how crazy i am and not want to invest their time in such a potentially needy person. i even feel bad sometimes when dan has to put up with me in my moods of extreme negativity. but when i apologize for being so obnoxious, he just says "well maybe im more understanding than you think."

teehee, my boyfriend and my roomate-of-next-year are daniel and danielle. how sickeningly cutesy.

mom knows i have some kind of a relationship with dan. she was looking at my pictures and asked jokingly as she always does "which one of these is your boyfriend?" i told her dan. on sunday she asked about his last name and guessed his nationality on the second try. "hes not irish?" she asked. i reassured her his mother is. and tonight she asked how serious we are. i told her come on, its only been half a semester. its not exactly ring-by-spring time yet. and oh yeah, he dislocated his knee yesterday, skiing. i firmly believe that if he had something more to him than skin and bones, he wouldnt break stuff so often. his wrists are only as big around as mine are, he is eight inches taller than me, and weighs ten pounds less.

and im waiting for him to get online. stupid central time zone. lets get rid of the entire midwest. i cant stand it there. but thats a whole n'other entry.