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 memories of what never was
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2001-01-26 08:07:49 i feel bad because im in such a state right now that i just cant read your posts and give each of them the attention they deserve from a good friend. all im getting is more and more annoyed by all the littlest things, last night i nearly had a fit because i couldnt find my twizzlers. most of last evening i hid in one of the turret rooms in sorin. i just didnt want to face anyone, and the guy who lives in that room wasnt much help because he kept leaving me there for half an hour at a time while he went down the hall for rum and coke, and i finally had to coerce him to walk me back to my own dorm. my only consolation is that this will pass not much longer and ill feel better, and ill be the joyful girl again. the joyful girl that i am normally, on my own. i hate being in this state because my mind will only think of itself, and getting caught up in its own misery but my heart wants to hear about how stevo's day was and how his organ practice went and not to just talk about myself and how i hope ill be feeling better soon. "maybe by tonight" i just keep telling them. and i wonder if any of them really understand. cause even yesterday, i think danielle noticed the tear on my cheek but she didnt say anything, and didnt invite me to study chemistry with her and rory this afternoon. and i get all these strange little thoughts that have absolutely nothing to do with how things really how but just how they get twisted about in my head. (like the one about danielle, my depressed self is hurt that she didnt invite me, but my joyful self is saying that rory prolly asked her and its not her place to invite me this is so crazy! to be seeing my day and my experiences and almost even my thoughts from two different perspectives! jesse, can i blame this dichotomy on you for imagining me? just kidding. i think i just need to get moving. im actually dreading the coming weekend because i wont have anything to do, the same as im dreading going to class later on today because ill just sleep through it. i just wanna sleep for a long time, then get up and do lots of work so im ahead and all that good crap. do my labs and stuff junk. i guess ill just have to cope. and ill start by actually going to bed.
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