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Ichabod!

2001-01-08 01:49:22

Dear Elizabeth,

There has been no communication from you. I don't understand why you are hurting me like this. I would like to be with you for the rest of your vacation. Please let me know when I can pick you up.

Love, Dad

::screams::

he reminds me so much of ross when he acts like this. unfortunately, i cant dismiss him from my life as easily as i did ross. . . sure, i can use the same reasons for each (that they are destructive to my mental health) but god damn it, hes my father! i owe everything intellectual to him, but absolutely nothing moral. absolutely nothing in terms of character. thats why its so easy for me to use him. . . and oh yeah, the bouts of paranoia he subjected me to! real easy to say "no, i dont live with you, and no i dont want to live with you. but if you want to pick me up after work and buy me lunch thatd be perfect." but we all remember where that leads. . .tearful hours in the basement while he refuses to let me go home. feeling like a hostage because he wont take me home when i ask him to.

i came "home" after visiting judy tonight, and it didnt really feel like home. i should just tell people now that i live in indiana.

::screams inside::

the other night danielle asked if i would like to be her room mate next year. she lives in pw. if i were looking for someone in pe to room with, it would prolly be becki. so now its a choice between my favorite physics nerd and my favorite band nerd. ::sighs:: now, that makes me happy.

its so weird to spend time with a nuclear style family like my sisters after living for so many years like individual atoms in the void. . . my mom and i just bouncing around in this house and reacting only occasionally, and usually violently. its so weird to see the little kids, and how different they are. and to think of all the different destinies of everyone gathered around the dinner table, and where we all will be and what well be like in five years, in ten years.

sarah is the know it all at age six. id say something about how i like to drink my milk, and shed say something about how thats not the way it SHOULD be done. so id counter with "sarah, i think ive been drinking milk about twelve years longer than you have." kathie is the attention hog, the klutz, the loudmouth. someday, if things go badly, i could see her as very resentful of her older and younger sisters. no one really pays attention to the things she says or tell her to be quiet, because most of the time what she says is unintelligible or is a mimic of something sarah said.

annie is the darling, the one everyone loves, everyones absolute favorite. the adorable one, no one can get mad at her. she does the same thing in pictures i did when i was little: dont bother to smile, just let the huge brown eyes do all the talking. and daniel. . is daniel. clearly a boy. he just sleeps and eats so far, but i cant wait to see how he grows up.

i must have been a terrible little sister. . . either i was getting all the attention, or i wasnt. . . and i dont know what i did when i wasnt since i didnt have anyone else to play with.