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 memories of what never was
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2000-10-05 21:58:17 quick entry i was reading my entry from the other day and i dont think i sufficiently explained the term "fighting it." or what i meant when i asked can i believe that some people dont have that sense that there will always be a downside. everything has always been a rollercoaster for me, as raye raye and i like to put it. when i say, you cant be happy all the time, i just mean a general feeling of contentedness, and upness, and acceptfulness. not necessarily euphoria or anything. there are those times, then there are the times when im fighting it. when im fighting my mind, and fighting my body, and fighting the whole damn downward spiral. sometimes i dont fight it. sometimes it just goes on. depends on how clear the rest of me is. i wasnt even aware i could fight it for a while. there was a time when i wasnt aware of the rollercoaster or the downward spiral at all. mostly because i hadnt been up in so long that i forgot there was a difference. anyway, so this week i was fighting the downward spiral in my head, and fighting the horrible feverish thing of my body, and of course, as always, there was a turning point. i was walking past the library when all of a sudden it hit me. i am in a place where no one for hundreds and hundreds of miles knows i am a cutter. the nearest person is in michigan. no one on this entire campus knows what ive done. no one has notice my scars, and if they have, they havent asked about them. then again, no one is specifically looking for them. but for some reason i found this liberating. they think im sane. they think im normal. they just think i dress differently, they dont know the truth. got to go. later.
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