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Ichabod!

1999-11-29 14:45:29

i knew it the moment my clauddagh ring broke. it was over, for good. the dream was broken, we had grown up.

yesterday i had intense unsettling dejavu. everything smelled, felt, and looked like something from the past, specifcally about two years ago. i had a strong feeling i would get something in the mail, but it was sunday and we had no mail delivery. i even ran out and checked.

well, i got mail today. two pieces. one was from the SAT people, telling me i got 630 in the SAT II Math IIc subject test. woohoo! 30 points up! the second piece was from ryan. i knew something wasnt right from the shape of the envelope. i took a closer look and saw that it was from a matching stationery set. very not ryan.

anway, before i go on id like to give y'all a very condensed version of our history. we met when we were 10 and 11 years old, lost contact, and met again at ages 14 and 15. we have always been the best of friends. i got him into smashing pumpkins (he now has an SP tattoo), he got me into marilyn manson, and both of us have always, ALWAYS, loved the movie the Crow. absolute freaks about it. anyway, for a period of years, we wrote back and forth, eventually becoming involved romantically. we saw each other once or twice a year up at camp. i could say, we had fallen in love.

then one may he told me he fell in love with another girl. i found out from a mutual friend that he had had sex with this girl. i confronted him about it, and he lied about it. the plot thickened, and it all became one huge betrayal. we still remained a "couple" though. so we struggled like that for a while.

ever since that betrayal, i felt myself growing further from him. but the finale came today. i got a letter from him telling me that things have changed, he loves her, he wants to move in with her, and he plans on spending his life with her. hes buying her a ring. shes the reason he graduated high school and got a drivers license. he wants me to know how happy they are together.

::sighs:: of course there are all sorts of little evil things that flit through my head. he used to complain to me how manipulative she is. when he tried to break up with her before, she screamed at his family. she smothered him they told me. she found all my letters to him and all his pictures of me and burned them. i heard all sorts of stories. so one thought of mine was that she put him up to this, he did it because she told him to and he has low self esteem (this would explain the uncharacteristic stationery).

but then there are the more rational voices in my head. that this is for the best. we never would have made it once i went to college. we come from two different worlds, i want to go to an ivy league school, he barely made it through high school. that i deserve someone better than one who betrays my trust.

still, if there are two people i never want to be cut off from in my life its christa and ryan.