care? leave a note

Ichabod!

1999-12-28 00:40:01

why the fuck am i so unmotivated about this whole damn college thing? i have no desire to get applications done. i dont even care about what colleges are out there. all i ever hear is arvianna, youre limiting yourself. you dont have any clue whether these places will accept you at all. do you want to go to hacc next year? cause thats the only place you deserve to go.

i dont understand why im so unmotivated! its just like driving, i never cared about it at all. everyone else seems to be getting all worked up about it, some have even been accepted to the place they want to go. im left with impossibilities. why dont i care? it really seems like i should care, at least a little bit. WHY DONT I? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

so i just start crying. i just want to cry and cry and crycrycrycry. ::sobs:: i just want to lose myself. if i cant do this now, what the fuck am i going to do after college when i have to find myself a job? why dont i want to do anything? everything i do is useless. what am i ever good for?

i could be using these precious fucking moments to be writing my damn essays. i even know what i want to write about. theres nothing to stop me but myself . . . but i stop myself anyway. and i dont know why.

i visited the web page for the doors last night. i was absolutely amazed. i wanted to be like that somehow, to have an amazing lust for life, and a philosophical idea about everything. but thats not me. i can be insightful, i can be intuitive, i can interpret things, but im no fucking artist. i cant create anything. when i write, i interpret and describe. when i take photographs, i capture the art of something or someone else. when i play my music or sing, im still only giving life to someone elses creation. i cant create anything at all. i cant even write anything with a plot, only non-fiction or descriptive stuff. im no fucking artist. what if i was. . . would i be like jim morrison, one of those who lives so intensely that they go mad, or like the artists my art teacher talked about, that get so into their work they cant come out, and go insane? O! to feel so intensely!

my feelings of depression. . . who knows where they come from. being rejected by peers. feeling rejected by family. feeling so damn ALONE. but why the fuck am i so unmotivated? dont i want to be anything? dont i want to go somewhere? do i want to retain status quo for the rest of my fucking life?

people are my natural enemy.