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 memories of what never was
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24 April 2005 17:33 Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it oepns up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love. - Neil Gaiman My situation with my roommates has been a little better since I've been forcing myself to actually talk to people. I've also moved my computer into my classroom, which means that I spend more time in my classroom, but it also means that the time I spend in the convent is more focused on the people there with me than the people in my computer. Also in a post-pms, non-lexapro fit of despair, I realized that I anticipate rejection even when there is no rejection happening. So I end up shutting myself in my room, or withdrawing into my computer rather than face the anticipated rejection. Then of course, the people around me sense that as a rejection of themselves and the cycle gets worse. So why do I do this? I think the above quote from Neil Gaiman sums it up pretty well. I'm really sensitive to rejection, and I don't let many people into my life very often. In community living, however, you have no choice. My housemates are in my life, I am in theirs, we are housemates. No amount of anticipated, imagined, or preemptive rejection on my part can change that. The theme continues: I am learning, finally, how to be a part of a family. |
