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Ichabod!

17 September 2004 22:05

so today its been two weeks since i took my last dose of lexapro. and its time for me to answer the question of whether i should take it for the full two weeks before my period, or the week before my period and the week during my period.

not taking lexapro is not an option. not being able to function for two weeks out of every four is not an option. but ah, which two weeks need medicated the most?

last month i took lex for the two weeks prior to my period and stopped on the day my period started. that worked pretty well.

today is two weeks since my last dose. and how much of my senstitivity and sleeplessness, not to mention lack of appetite can be attributed to that fact?

last night before bed i read a chapter in carson mccullers "the heart is a lonely hunter" that absolutely broke my own heart. and then i kept thinking about it, i couldnt get to sleep for an hour. even though there have been even more heartbreaking chapters that ive managed to fall asleep after reading. and when i did fall asleep, i kept waking up and imagining running around my room.

tonight ive shut myself up in my room, reading websites by candlelight. seeking out others experiences of depression. listening to insane amounts of afi. watching the hula animation bonuses on the lilo and stitch dvd and wanting to laugh and cry all at the same time. general over-sensitivity. thank god its friday or i dont know what id do. god forbid id actually have to cope with any stressors during this phase.

so. do i tough it out and put off the lex for another week, or do i go ahead and take it tomorrow? since tomorrow is saturday, im gonna hold out at least one more day and see how that goes. but the truth of the matter is that im withdrawing, feeling alone and paranoid. ugh. i keep thinking the other girls are talking about me, when i have no logical reason to be thinking that at all.

but reading dooce.com reminded me that it could be so much worse. and also made me fucking scared to ever have kids. the idea of postpartum depression like hers scares me more than the thought of childbirth. eek. but it also makes me so proud to read about everything shes done in her battle. and how much i identify with feeling triumph and utter defeat, all at the same time. rawr. so frustrating, so despairing.

see? irrational uncontrollable crying feeling rising in me right now. so do i de-sensitize myself with the lex then or what?

another conundrum. the over-sensitivity felt when depression is coming on makes it a good time to read and write poetry. but the lack of motivation and lack of confidence in myself makes it a horrible time to read and write poetry. ack. what to do?

my plan so far tomorrow is to get up early, make a pot of coffee and go out walking. a good old coffee walk like i used to have up at camp. but without the big wide creek to walk along. ah, desert living.