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Ichabod!

01 July 2004 23:41

as far as i can tell, im gonna be teaching a class of seven fourth graders next year. god help us all.

im paralyzed in though lately. not the same way i was before, where i felt like everything i thought was worthless. instead, i feel like i can see the futility of any thought in a pursuit of truth.

it seems like any challenge or pleasure that any one person faces, there are myriad ways to think about that situation. and none of them are necessarily true. none of them are necessarily right or wrong. so most people will act in a self centered way, and choose to believe the perspective that benefits them the most, that makes them feel good about themselves. and that usually involves putting someone else down, looking down on or judging another group of people.

thats not the way i wanted to say that.

this kind of started a few weeks ago when i confessed to my mom that one of the reasons i want to get my haircut was because i didnt feel pretty any more. she said, predictably, but you know thats not true. it doesnt matter whether or not its true, i said. what matters is what i believe, and i dont believe its true.

so im troubled by the fact that its so damn easy for the human brain to overlook whatever possible truth there might be in a possible situation in order to believe what ever it is that mind wants to believe.

and the books i read make it seem so easy, too. like that 100 simple secretes of happy people that i mentioned in here before. or what i learned in my philo class last year, that slightly depressed people tend to have a more realistic view of themselves. people ignore the truth to believe what they want to believe, in any and every situation.

btw, does anyone else find it disturbing that the new head of state in iraq believes, like cheney and bush, that there is a connection between saddam hussein, al qaeda, and 9/11?

yeah. so. people ignore the truth to believe what they want to believe, in any and every situation. so i become mistrustful of my own brain in leading me to the truth, because i know its capable of formulating complex rationalizations to make me feel better about almost anything.

i have to look really deep to figure out what i really believe, in my heart.

and in my heart i am deeply suspicious of any group that demonizes another to further their point. and i am willing to embrace anything that strives to make a synthesis between things, something that finds common ground.

but i mistrust seeing these things, because i feel like my brain is just making these connections up, so i can see common ground where i want to see it, and not necessarily where it actually exists.

its so much easier to see the negatives, and those that rise to the top by treading on others.

::sighs::

so thats all i know. that i want to embrace everything on common ground. but i have no fucking clue how to go about doing that. i am adrift. i accept nothing, and reject everything else in suspicion.

heh. and my mom is afraid that watching sex and the city is making me an immoral person.