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Ichabod!

04 May 2004 19:45

for nearly twenty four hours i ate nothing but a salad, a hot chocolate, and a cup of coffee. i must be in finals mode.

i think its strange that im so nervous about my last two projects, when i've never really been panicked about finals before. ever.

so since im panicked, what do i do? sleep.

i just took a four hour nap. and had bad dreams to boot. i just finished my phone interview for st. francis school before i fell asleep, and they said theyd get back to me in a couple weeks. ::sighs::

so i dreamt about having an interview for a similar position with a nun, then finding out there were dozens of better qualified candidates than me and i had no hope of getting the position. then i left that place and dreamed of lots of cool stuff.

but the phone interview. i found myself saying things that kind of surprised me. such as when she asked what do you think you would bring to the community of volunteers? i responsed that i would be a sort of grounding element, in that i'm not the one usually causing conflict, im the one making pancakes for everybody on sunday morning. i guess she liked that cause i heard her noting for herself: security, but at the same time in my head, im thinking security? stability? you? WTF????

but i am basing it on evidence from living in london and this year. so, um, well, i dunno. i think it drives home something ive been thinking about since i started the lex, that for so much of my life ive known depression far better than ive known myself, and now im hopefully starting to know myself.

not to say that i havent been myself at any point in time in the last 22 years, just that i never knew it? or possibly during the summers when i was relatively depression free?

but it seems more likely that the statement just arose as a positive formulation of how ive been feeling lately. not feeling like anyone special, just kinda there.