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Ichabod!

27 March 2004 20:06

last month when this happened i had lots of people around me who could tell me im not as stupid as i was feeling, im a smart girl, and everythings ok.

i dont have that this month, so now im sitting in the dark, listening to depressing music, and cutting again.

heh. james and i talked about cutting on friday. he said, you used to do that? at the time, i could say, yeah, used to as in last year. now theres no used to, i just do. and i do in ways i havent before.

before it was always just clawing at myself in extreme frustration, now im much more calculating about it. i cant find my leatherman tool with the big blade (I remember seeing it last when i had another desire to cut, i must have hid it from myself in amazing burst of foresight) so im restricted to less desctructive methods of self injury, but also less painful. i want more, but im just not frustrated enough to start clawing at my arm with the same fury i did yesterday, or last year. and last year i had ragged nails too, got some good blood out of that one.

no im not frustrated, i just want to stop feeling for a few days until this passes. i want to sleep. or get drunk. or cut and focus on a different kind of pain, let something else take over my mind. just for a while until it goes away.