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 memories of what never was
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10 January 2004 00:06 on sunday i will drive to notre dame for my last semester there. and htis is the first and only time i have looked forward to going back. at all. im not going to focus on the regrest and negative part this time. i think ive already dealt with that in mylast tear stained arvianna entry. instead i want to focus on the wyas ive changed. the positive ways. because there are so many! im not as lonely. or rather, i no longer seclude myself and almst force loneliness upon myself. i seek out companionship and so feel loneliness in a different way. i can undrstand better what it would mean to fear loneliness, though i dont think that i do. i feel like i actually have things to say to peple now. but i think thats a result of actually having caring friendships with people now. i have tons more self confidence and i feel so much less self centered. have i developed a way of loving that is a true expression of myself? i think i have. certainly not perfected, but huge strides have been made since freshman year. am i happy? yes. i have confidence in my body. i have confidence in my ideas. i have confidence in my ability to love. which implies that i have faith in other people. do i really? one of my goals this winter break was to mentally prepare myself for my last semester at notre dame. one of the things i found here that helped me do it was a box of everything i had on my walls from freshman year, plus a few other souvenirs, letters, notes, etc. i came across a few scattered journal entries as well. i was so very different then. seniors who read this, what do you think? have you come to terms with your last semester? with your four years here? how have you changed? does anyone else feel that theres a point at which you feel a complete break? for me, its my semester in london. when i came back, i felt like everything that happened before then happened when i was only a small child. am i really no longer a child? yes, i am a young woman. a woman. ::laughs and sighs::
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