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Ichabod!

27 December 2003 14:43

so it was a ryan family christmas for me this year. again. sixteen members of the ryan family, plus me and my mom. and yeah, the ryans are great and fun and all, but i was definitely an observer, watching their ongoings for their cooking competition and their white elephant gift exchange.

im just so stupid. wallowing in self pity and loneliness and feeling left out and on the outside. feeling that way about christmas since high school. since i havent had a family christmas of my own, always tagging along on someone elses christmas or celebrating some kind of half assed fractured christmas.

geez, i hate christmas. theres so little room in it to craft something of your own if you dont fit the mold.

and it just drags on. next weekend is christmas with dad and the sisters. another irreparable fracture.

and all of these messages about love are there to remind me that for all the ways ive changed and all the things ive learned about love, i still dont seem to have learned quite how to do it. i always end up going back to my old safer ways of not loving. and maybe i just feel that way becuase i dont fit the commonly projected image of a loving person, maybe i do love in my own way, or maybe i dont. i dont know. but my suspicion is that i dont, cause i feel that i dont, cause i feel like im still missing something this way. and its only up to me to do anything about it.

but its so much easier to say fuck you.