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Ichabod!

21 December 2003 18:17

yesterday i tried to type my password. i used the right keys for the right letters, but instead of hitting the keys in the right order, i hit them in the pattern of the letters in "arvianna". like zyxwzvvz instead of zyxywv. twas bizarre.

my mom is driving me insane. im beginning to think that our relationship is built purely on conditioned attitudes and responses. i dont think she knows how to relate to me other than in the im-ordering-you-around tone of voice. and i dont know how to respond other than as a bratty teenager. especially to that tone of voice.

and the house is a mess and totally devoid of food. stifling, really, i look at it and i just dont know where to start and theres no point in starting really cause im just going to leave and anything i try to fix or clean up is just going to get neglected. it makes me want to sit around and sleep and read and listen to music and try to forget about all of it. when i really should be trying to work out what im going to do next year. but its the kind of thing where i want to have a clear mind to do that, and to have a clear mind, i like neat surroundings. not feeling like im in the middle of a cyclone.

or maybe its all the emotional past in this house. comes crashing down on me. too much, too much.

i dunno.

anyway. what i wrote before about needing to have confidence in my own ideas? all too true. my quantum mechanics exam. i got a B in the class, but i swear, they can give out Bs just for being a senior physics major and taking the class at all. i dont feel like i earned a B, cause i dont feel like i understood it all that well. and i just about panicked during the final. but when i went over the final just a few days ago, i realized i really did know what the hell i was doing, i was just too nervous and intimidated to realize that i knew what i did know. and to act on what i did know.

so i brought the book home. maybe ill go over some stuff, reinforce some stuff, get a head start on some stuff for next semester.

having mixed feelings about christmas. i think my mom is still in little kid mode, as in when she had little kids and got the whole house decked out for christmas. now that its just the two of us, a few lights, a little evergreen, and some chocolate chip cookies are fine with me. no need to go the whole nine yards, if you ask me. but no one does. im still just the low man on the totem pole.