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Ichabod!

2003-06-05 6:06 p.m.

okay. take two on last nights entry. i wrote it out in one of my paper journals today so all i need to do is recopy it here.

first, i need to start writing in here more often. in london, with limited computer access, i got more into the habit of writing in my paper journal things that could very well go in here. and i want to share with all of you, dont i? so i need to get into the habit of writing in here more, which shouldnt be a problem with my unlimited computer access here.

next is my return to physics. even after such a long period of arts and letters courses i really fell right back into physics very easily. there was only a brief feeling of inadequacy on the first day when i thought maybe i should be doing something else. and although physics is very hard sometimes, theres nothing else i really love so much. but why, as ive been asking myself for years now, why do i love physics so much? is it really because im a conrol freak, and theres always a right answer? after thsi shift in my way of thinking towards accepting uncertainty in my life, do i no longer need the security of a right answer in phsycis? no, of course not. im seeing now in the lab, the part of physics where there is no right answer, and i still love it. there is still a great deal of uncertainty....but its the sarch for understanding that i love. thats the need that physics fulfills for me, that desire to understand the world at a higher level.

also, i feel very little connection with my past before i went to london. like i was a tiny childe then, and all that was agoes ago. i suppose one of the benefits of that is i can see which parts of my life are more real, lasting, permanent, and which parts were more superficial. i guess ive always known what made up the core of my life, but with everything else cleared away, i can see them much more clearly. physics is one of them. music is another. the earth, and the environment. what has fallen away? material stuff, i only want to buy books anymore. a lot of social considerations, im less apologetic for myself but more accpeting of who i am. i guess i know what has changed most of all is a desire to control whats going on in my life and where my life is going. i was prolly trying to control too much, and too many of the wrong things. like what? like how people perceived me, who i hung out with, wanting things to go my way. was i inflexible? i dont know. maybe i was trying to extend my anti-carrot project a little too far around me. funny, i have this picture in my head of the limits of my identity extending around me in a radius of 20 ft or so, then when i realize i cant control that much, it implodes, collapses into me, and the limit of my identity becomes smaller than my physical body, im very small, worthless and meaningless. very influenced by j.h. prynne.

so the things i care about the most are still very complex, and cannot be condensed to a list of 2 or 3. but i need to keep those things in mind and not try to extend myself into areas over which i really have no control.