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Ichabod!

2003-05-22 12:40 a.m.

i think my sense of displacement right now is best expressed by the fact that none of my paper journals feel appropriate for me to write in. most of my older paper journals have blank pages at the end, where some change occurred in my life where i either stopped journalling for a while, or switched to a different journal. very few go all the way to the end, such as when im continuously writing for a period longer than it takes to fill a journal.

i started a new journal for my london semester, more of a travel journal than strictly private thoughts. i filled it, and started a second. so now i have my journal from before london, half filled, and my second london journal, one quarter filled. and neither feels correct to write in now that ive returned from london. i feel so very changed from before i left, i feel little connection emotionally to what i wrote in my former paper journal. but theres so much paper left in it, i dont know whether to continue on or really just start a new one. if i continue on, in which one do i continue? the one with more paper left, the second london journal?

but yeah, evidence of a feeling of displacement. i feel more at home here in pa now than when i first arrived back, getting back into the swing of things with my friends here, but i know that very soon ill have to go to nd. and its not going to be normal band type nd, its going to be summer nd, with different people and a different dynamic. and ill be working on volunteer service applications for post-graduation...i figure ill just apply to programs all over the country, and the ones/one that accept/accepts me are/is in the part of the country im meant to be in. for a little while, at least. cause right now, im not sure where exactly i belong anymore. no no, where i belong isnt right. too much emphasis on fitting in and accptance by others. where i want to be, where i will work best, where i can accomplish most. yeah, thats it, where i can accomplish most. be most productive, whatever that productivity is measured in terms of. creativity and whatnot.

but i dont want to feel like im in a holding pattern for the next year and a half while i finish up my undergraduate work. ill have to find a goal for myself between now and then. my thesis perhaps. or my gpa, now that ive seen the light of deans list. i still cant believe it myself, but i guess it goes to show that my moms right, i could be a straight A student if i had a different major. all that study what you love crap aside, the argument that really works with her is telling her how much more marketable a physics degree is in job searching than an english degree.

maybe i can do my thesis on something about nonfiction writing about research? eh, i dunno. sounds silly. well get to that eventually.