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Ichabod!

2002-07-07 9:57 p.m.

i have such a hard time being girly.

so i was hanging around michael and erin last night and i am seriously in awe of erins wardrobe and accessories and general costumey gothness. i wish i had the time, money, and energy to do all that. so i started talking to her about it, and we agreed that ill come out to pittsburgh some weekend in the fall and well go shopping together. so inspired with this thought, i started checking out shoes at marshalls this morning. great place to take risks on shoes cause its all so cheap, right? so i really liked these awesome pairs of clogs that i would wear everywhere but they werent dressy at all. my mom wanted me to get these really cute heels to wear for formal occassions, but i really dont have too much of those. so i compromised and got a pair of more casual platform heel type things. theyre really cute with ankle straps ande everything. so im thinking, hey, maybe these will inspire me to dress up a little more, yeah yeah? but the more i think about it, and the more i wear them, the more affected it feels. cute and girly just IS NOT my style. i cant do it!

but i tried again tonight. i put on my montana shirt and a silver bracelet with my beat up cords and my flip flops. and then i decided to dig up the old eyeliner. i havent worn eyeliner since the dillon formal in february. i almost forgot how to put it on. and i used to wear this to school all the time at trinity? i really must have had more time on my hands than i realized. i forgot just how vamp a little eyeliner could make me look. neat, i thought, this is going rather well, lets try the old lipstick as well. vamp color: damnation. it was odd...because i could remember wearing this stuff, not infrequently...but now, it just seems so alien on me. so obviously fake and wrong. like how i always rejected wearing blush because it just wasnt me, was too "made up" too cutsey for me. so ive managed to make it impossible for me to wear makeup. yeah.

so i cant handle being girly. i gotta be what michael sometimes calls a "nature girl." id rather be casual, natural, raw, unfinished, not-polished, loose, and comfortable. not "done up."

but still. im in awe of erin. if only i had the time (and wardrobe!) to go all out goth as often as i wanted. im sure i could pull it off. i know i could.