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Ichabod!

2002-05-04 11:31 p.m.

today instead of studying math, i decided that tori amos' album from the choirgirl hotel warranted an in depth lyrical analysis followed by a nap. yeah. so basically my day consisted of the sophomore trumpet dinner. riding with luke, mariachi music, techno rave stuff, good good good food and all the fun you can have with sixteen trumpets. i love those guys. you know, after all the shit i give myself about going to notre dame and not realizing ahead of time the kind of superhomogenized society i was throwing myself into, i still think there are so many good things that have come out of coming here. like band and the trumpets. i mean, so many random events just came together to allow me to be a part of the most wonderful group of 350 people, and even cooler, the 60 other trumpets. i mean, it all comes down to that split second when i said yes to brickers call for volunteers to switch to brass...and even then i kinda wanted to play baritone, but bricker put me on trumpet. then it was sams call to my mom during the summer before i came to nd, to encourage me to audition on trumpet instead of clarinet. if he hadnt done that, i might not be in band at all. these are just things i had no control over, but because they occurred, i can participate in such awesome things as sophomore trumpet dinners.

the whole control thing kinda bugs me. like my major, physics. dont get me wrong, i absolutely love it and i love the people in it... but i still kinda wish i had worked harder to find some kind of environmental or geology program. or maybe gone to another school where there is a geology program...they would have loved to have me in the dept at allegheny. and then look, id even be closer to my friends at home, very very close to the forest and camp, the thigns i miss so much out here.

but i wouldnt be in the worlds greatest university band, which is really the only thing keeping me optimistic about nd right now. and oh yeah, i prolly wouldnt be going to london either. though that has some drawbacks in and of itself, like how were just transplanting a piece of the nd bubble into downtown london. i wont be taking classes with any uk kids and i hear its kinda common for the nd kids to stick to themselves. but i know that if i really want to get out and meet other people i can. i just cant guarantee theyll like me. i shouldnt knock london before i get there, im sure ill have a great time.

so when i got rejected from all the schools i wanted to go to, my sister just told me that sometimes its for the best and gods just telling us that we should be somewhere else. and thats really all thats been going through my head lately, cause i just look around and cant wait to get out of here. not like the west shore is that much less homogenized....but somehow its still better. i cant quite place what it is thats making me so dissatisfied with nd...its just a larger version of trinity, and ive dealt with that before right? so its not like going to a rich catholic school is a shock to me. so why the dissatisfaction then? im not sure. did god put me here to 'be the change' like my peace conference tshirt says? how can i do that? so much of where i come from is just the same as everyone else here...white, suburban,and catholic. there are the differences though, environmental concern, divorced parents, niether of my parents are doctors or lawyers, just a secretary(now paralegal!) and a school teacher. im not an alum child either. im not an athlete. im just plain different. but not big differences. im not sure what i can do. is it enough to just be myself? is that enough anticarrot, or can i be more anticarrot? i must be the anticarrot! i wont be satisfied until everyone acknowledges me as anticarrot.

i should clean my room