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Ichabod!

2002-02-23 5:54 a.m.

im not sure what i want to say i just need ot write. its fucking six int he morning and i cant sleep at all....ive been wandering around the floors of my dorm for an entire hour now, watched at least an hour of the olympics, all the while just begging my brain to let go and let me sleep and let me forget about THAT HORRIBLE EVIL FUCKING DERANGED FIASCO OF A MECHANICS EXAM. and you know what im sure that the problems on it arent even that hard, im sure marino will be able to finish it in under two hours and i couldnt even finish the first problem in two hours WHAT THE FUCK IS MY PROBLEM. WHAT IS MY FUCKING PROBLEM. i got kicked out of the library at two this morning. i was the last person there. and i couldnt find a single other place on campus to finish my exam. there was a loud group of people in lafun, como was reserved for the no greater love retreat, and i couldnt get into bond. i came back to my room cause i thought danielle wouldnt be coming back til much later but the door was locked cause she and chris were in there. so i went down to beckis room and just screamed and cried and i feel like SHIT. prolly cause thats what i am. why do i have to be so competitive? i dont want to be. but i want to be among the best. i want to get a B in mechanics. thats all im fucking asking for. im tired of getting Cs and being in the minority that ISNT on the deans list. im tired of getting deficiency reports from the dean instead of letters of congratulations. im tired of all the business majors flaunting their 3.5 GPAs.

tonight paul and i were talking about reaching our limits...how i reached my limit in creativity a long time ago and stopped drawing cause i just couldnt satisfy myself. and how i know that theres only a certain point to which i can become proficient at an instrument, and thats fine with me as long as i can play in ensembles. but i hate to think that ive reached the same type of limit with physics. and this is all the further my poor little brain will take me. no use trying to cram anything else in there, it wont stick. somewhere between trinity and notre dame it got lost. gen chem is the height of my abilities and i didnt even get an A in that. not like im sure peterson will. im a fucking loser and a failure and i just want to fucking sleep. i want to do something to just sleep and forget everything.

i know what i need. i need shenandoah. the song thats as good as cutting to me. but i cant fucking get it cause chris is in our room. and danielles prolly locked the door again. i need shenandoah....but i cant fucking sleep. god, why am i not tired? i thought about going down to the chapel but it just repulsed me. like im running away from the thing i know would prolly help me the most. but i dont want it right now. i just want to sleep. i dont want to be enlightened, i dont want to be aware of any of this anymore, i dont want to accept and move on, i dont want to start a new game plan, i dont want to be renewed. i want to sleep and i want to forget. sleep. please. come sleep.

some tori would be good now too. but its all in my room.

and im hungry, my stomach is growling and theres no where to get food except reckers..the dhalls dont open til eight. in two hours.

lifes just a mood ring were not allowed to see