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Ichabod!

2001-05-14 8:55 p.m.

all the goop in my lava lamp just fell down.

interesting stuff...booty sent me a song last night. he says he wrote it for his sisters wedding, and no one else has heard it except for his best friend, his sister, and her husband. i thought it was really cute and sweet and could totally overlook the fact that its obviously not something thats going to number one on the rock charts. but he got really embarrassed, so much so that he stopped talking to me and put up an away message about going to play the piano drunk cause he just made a fool of himself in front of someone. hes trying so hard to impress me and i dont know why.

how is it that someone my age can know that all they really want to do in life is get married and raise kids? i mean, its a totally noble thing to do, but so many kids have told me thats their major goal. joe and steve, and numerous other girls. and even booty has described to me his vision of the good life, with a nice little wife to come home to in the evening. which really makes me wonder

why is he showing interest and trying to impress me? cause i sure dont think of myself as that little wife of anyone, not in the least, and i sure dont think i give impression of being someone whos looking for that type of life. so i think hes just intrigued by me, and as soon as that wears off, hell be gone. which is a shame, becuase he seems so nice and sweet.

but yeah. im just a little bitter and wary lately, so for every funny thing he says, i have a biting and sarcastic remark to come back at him with. and he says he just cant figure me out. and i like it that way. great things to build a relationship on.

but he doesnt accept my stock answer on why i dont drink, and he says he wants to hear more about it sometime when hes sober (which hasnt been much this weekend) becuase he cares, he says. well see if he even remembers.

and i just dont know if marraige is for me. monica has asked me before if my parents divorce makes me not want to get married at all or if it makes me want to get married and really make it work. with only a few minutes thought, i said that it makes me want to get married and make it work, but that i dont think ill ever find a guy to make it work with. thats when she told me i need a daddy figure, or at least a guy to show that not all males are going to always let me down. besides, nothing else normal has ever happened in my life, so why should i get married and raise normal kids like a normal person?

but i keep thinking about all my books and how i want to keep them and make a big library, but what good is all that if i dont have someone to pass all that knowledge on to? so then i think of educating my kids the way my dad has educated me. but i still cant imagine getting married. i could just teach, or have foster kids.

last year i was thinking of becoming a nun, but then i couldnt have my big library under my vow of poverty. hmmm.

ross always used to say he could see me in the future with kids, but not married.

and i dont believe in "the one." alex told me that dan thinks tara might be "the one." i think "the one" or mr or ms right is such a big pile of bullshit. thats seems like an easy way out of or even into a relationship, or just too easy in general, that there will be one person with whom everything just seems to click. i think that someone can be very special to you and that you can make a relationship work under the right circumstances. and if circumstances are bad, maybe you can work through them. but ultimately its up to the two people involved.

thats not to say that god doesnt put some people in our lives for a reason. we can learn and grow from just about every relationship. i just dont think theres an ultimate one and only. just like i dont believe in true love like in the plays and the songs, and i dont believe in love at first sight.

maybe im just getting jaded and bitter at an early age. god damn, some of the horrible relationships ive been in, and the times ive been screwed over. and it really sounds like im losing faith in gods plan or something....but we sin so much that if there was one single set plan, we be so far from it by now. if god has a plan its gotta be flexible with thousands upson thousands of alternatives....im sure god could handle that, the omnipotent.

kelley says she wants to get married because she wants to feel completed. i guess that goes with the idea of "the one" the idea that there is a second half to everyone...or everyone thats meant to get married i guess.

maybe im better off alone.

still, that makes me feel sad.