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Ichabod!

2001-05-04 1:23 p.m.

a spirit and presence that impresses me and intimidates. theyre normal im not and i jitter. every one of my differences glares, glaring becomes more than just another difference...but an abnormality, a fault, a handicap. a disability. shall we overcome our disabilities, so we can live...if you can call it living, living the normal life. leaving me inadequate, insecure, and finally dumped. left alone and left for dead, as pete would say. abnormalities magnified on all sides, both side, both sides. pity him. the richness of lived experience is mine. i shall not overcome this handicap to live fully, but live on my own terms by my own means. let my disability to live be an aid to my quest to live.

im beginning to see how immature danielle is. shes going out with matt now...she says hes nice and entertaining...i say theyre both lonely. shes told me herself that she cant stand to be alone, especially now after aj's left her. shes so immature that in my absence, or if im just inconvenient, shell turn to the same people she told me she couldnt stand. even to the point of going to turtle creek with rory and josh. shes drinking now too, which worries me. i get so distressed when i am reminded of how immature people around here are, the way they treat relationships and the ways they abuse alcohol. i just hear it gets better by junior year. i hope so. im not sure how much more of this i can take.

like christa would say, we have very old souls with many more battle scars than our young bodies would belie.

why wont erin ever check the damn phone messages i hate looking at this blinking orange light on my desk.

i went to lunch with monican today. we talked a little about our parents relationships and our relationships with guys now. i really envy her family life. i want to cry just thinking about it. she thinks i need a father figure, a daddy, or a least a guy who can show me that not all males are going to let me down like my own father did. im so fucked up.