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Ichabod!

2001-04-17 8:12 a.m.

i cant get online cause ive got my lap top here in the basement of my sisters house. but i just really feel like writing in arvianna, so im doing this as a text document to post later.

so if dans biggest fear was of being alone, im thinking mine might be of relationships. marriage in particular scares me. i dont know if ill ever get married. looking at how much ive changed and matured in the past year scares me, but what scares me more is realizing how much more id have to change to be ready to assume the responsibilities of a marriage. i just look at my parents and wonder if they were ever really ready, and look at my sisters and wonder how they knew? joe and judy met in college and were married as soon as judy got out of medical school. im not sure how long trish and sean knew each other before they got married. do i need to change more than my sisters did because im so screwed up? is that the main reason that i know im not ready? the phrase father bill used in the book i was reading today was something like "the young woman so psychologically disturbed that she detroys herself" destroys herself is so vague. am i psychologically disturbed? ive never been to the point where i cut regularly, but does that mean that my cutting isnt serious? isnt the point really that i cut at all, and thats a pretty serious sign that somethings not right?

::sighs::

so i just want to surround myself with good friends, but those are so hard to make when everyone seems to be thinking about sexual relationships. im clearly not ready for that type of relationship. i want to surround myself with warmth and fire and earth and elemental things. i want to be as self sufficient and down to earth as possible. lime and the coconut...what a funny song. i think im pretty much a folk music fan now. know what i really want to do right now? go back to siebert park where we used to have our choir picnics for good shepherd, and i would walk barefoot through the small stream that feeds into the conodoguinet creek. it was so cold and clear and there were such green trees and best of all not a single adult supervisor except at the big creek and back at the pavilion. i really miss the forest. i might be the environment commissioner for pasquerilla east next year...im really excited about that. im no where close to being anything like a "real hippie" but im pretty darn close when you compare me to a lot of people at notre dame, where tie dye is synonymous with dave matthews band there. ick.

besides jesus the good shepherd, one of my favorite images of jesus is as the alpha and the omega. there is a really cool granite slab at the back of the hesburgh library with an alpha and an omega written together...the whole bottom part of the library is covered with symbols and images of jesus....light of the world, bread for the earth, pearl of great price, alpha and omega. beginning and end.

im in love with a big blue frog a big blue frog loves me. its not as bad as it appears, he wears glasses and hes six foot three. im not worried about our kids, i know theyll turn out neat. theyll be good looking cause theyll have my face, great swimmers cause theyll have his feet. im in love with a big blue frog, a big blue frog loves me. its not as bad as it appears, hes got rhythm and a phd. well i know we can make things work, hes got good family sense. his mother was a frog from philadelphia, his daddy an enchanted prince. the neighbors and its clear to me and its probably clear to you. they think value on their property will go right down if they family next door is blue. im in love witha big blue frog a big blue frog loves me. ive got it tattooed on my chest, it says p h r o g!