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Ichabod!

2000-03-25 09:28:58

"because you know we wouldn't do this for one of our own."

i hope you dont mind if i put your URL? parsley.diaryland.com thanks. i wanted to do that because when i got home yesterday, i was thinking the exact same thing.

yesterday we had to do the thing you never hope you have to do in high school. we gave a memorial service for a junior who died of leukemia. the whole car ride home i talked with my religious next door neighbor about how great it is that we go to a catholic school and that we can do this sort of thing. but when i got to my room, and looked at myself in the mirror, i couldnt help but think: what if it was me? would anyone wear special sweaters for me? would anyone write a prayer service for me? would they find songs to sing for me?

my immediate answer was no. partly because there are no songs in my collection that really meet the sentimental requirements of a memorial service except for seasons of love. and partly because my very closest friends dont go to trinity, and the people i hang out with at trinity are friends, but not really confidants.

then i remembered something i told somebody once when we were discussing what wed choose for an epitaph on our tombstone. i chose: and the world is drawn into your hands, and the world is etched upon your heart, and the world so hard to understand is the world you cant live without and i knew the silence of the world. from smashing pumpkins song muzzle.

and i knew that there are people who care for me in the senior class, thanks to kairos. without kairos, they never would have known me for who i am. they would only have known the rumors or the stereotyped image of me. and i knew that there were people from grade school who still cared. the few that didnt turn on me when i turned on everyone, the ones who still looked at me in eighth grade.

and i knew that while they may not put on the awesomest memorial service ever, they would try to at least do something.

i doubt that someone like me could quite pull together the students the way she did.

earlier i said that i have people i hang out with at trinity, but not confidants. i wish i didnt have to say that. because i really do care about my friends. i wish we were closer.