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Ichabod!

2001-07-01 10:22 p.m.

so ive had this feeling, like somethings coming. like im on the brink of something big. this feeling in my ribcage, and its expanding, and this could possibly be painful. but thats ridiculous, i guess i just get a little nervous when i know that things arent changing, but i am.

and i felt like turtle emerging from her shell this morning. i think i fell asleep with my shoulders hunched around my ears last night, because when i woke up it was almost painful to pull my shoulders back.

and last night was bizarre. i started out by just going to the coffeeshop to wait for people, and drink coffee while i wait, naturally. but i got free yummy coffee. i wanted just coffee, but andy offered me some that another lady didnt want, and i wouldnt have to pay, and i even got my card stamped for it. i love being a regular.

so my waiting paid off and people showed up. then something crazy happened. there was a "cool kid" inside at the stools by the window. we were sitting on the deck on the other side of the window. so this guy is big and muscle-y, and wearing a navy blue visor and matching shirt, yadda, yadda, yadda. we comment on his "cool kid" status, he looks up and sees us, and we wave and laugh. hes fuming, storms out of the coffeeshop and out to our table, and starts picking a fight with richard. do you know e? why are you waving at me? fuck this! and fuck that! and why are you making fun of me? were speechless, im biting my tongue to keep from cracking up laughing. finally ryan saves us all by telling this guy that we were laughing because we all waved at the same time, the guy gets all friendly, asks richards name, and leaves. i couldnt believe it actually happened, i mean, i didnt think this kind of thing ever happened in real life. who goes and picks fights with people because theyre waving at them? i told my mom, and shes just like "thats why you have to be careful, some people dont like that, they think youre making fun of them" yeah, well, why do they have to go around picking fights with people because theyre so big and they think they can? especially if theyre so insecure and sensitive to other people making fun of them that they have to resort to intimidation? yuck!

so why i slept like a turtle last night. cause jesse relayed me something from his mom that really kinda depressed me. basically, it was about my relationship with my mom, and it just made me think. whats really going on now is that whole little independence struggle that most teens have enough sense to go through when theyre sixteen and get a car. but i didnt even have enough sense to learn to drive when i was sixteen. so i have to put up with it now, the struggle is basically pointless cause im already gone and in college. when i came back from college i realized how much my living system at home just resembles two room mates, cause my mom and i never do anything together. even less maybe than erin and i ever did at school. but of course she wouldnt see it that way, cause shes my mom. and were not close, thats the thing that really gets to me. the independence struggle is natural, but im clearly not close to my mom at all. im closer to her than to my dad. and im not close to my sisters either, at all. ((im not thinking clearly now, damn television. shut up)) so whats the logical conclusion? that not only do i not know how a family is supposed to work, but i dont even know how to have a close relationship with someone. if you dont have that with your family, what else have you got? nothing. ah, i remember now what i was going to title this last night. better off alone, part II.

i dont know where i was going with this.